jennyeatsbabies.

here lies the death of a young girl--here lies the birth of something more.
this is where my writing goes.
‣ ‣ #storyofagirl | askbox

I haven’t written in awhile and my excuses are all filled with things that aren’t true—that there isn’t enough time or that I don’t feel like it or that it’s too raw.

The truth is I haven’t written because writing requires me to dissect all the things I’ve ever felt and I know once I’ve done it then that’ll be it: that this will be gone, and part of me isn’t ready to bury the hatchet but the woods are empty and I’m so unbelievably tired.

I don’t know what this past couple of months have been: a catharsis, a mistake—an empty wandering or an attempt to create meaning or to destroy it—but I do know that they have been better for my soul than the past twenty years have been.

I’ve found that I am fragile and frightened, overtly sensitive and terribly sexual—that I am made for monogamy and not philandering because I am not very good at sharing attention. I’ve found that I am not good at dating or flirting. I’ve found that I am just this, no matter how hard I’ve tried to change or deviate or alter myself—at my core I am only good at the kind of love that smothers and the kind of affection that is only meant to be reserved for girlfriends and wives; not fuckbuddies and dates.

I’ve found that I am not very good at being twenty—that the entirety of my life has been done backwards and how hard it is to ever find advice. I have a career without a degree, and all of my fantasies are of weddings and children with a husband who cares about me instead of one that is disdainfully attractive.

I feel like a child but not a child and it’s numbingly frightening—that everything is perfect and not at the same time. I just want to have something again—tangible and malleable, and I don’t know what to do with this fanciful malady of the soul.

"I eventually met this Italian girl online. She is stunningly beautiful and we would spend every single minute of our time talking to each other throughout the entire summer. Her name is Marzia."

You tell me I don’t get it all the time. That I don’t have to be anyone else. That I’m perfect the way I am.

But I think it’s you that doesn’t get it: that it’s not me that I want to be. I would never want to be this. I would never in a million years choose to be someone like me.

And you ask me why and you look at me all confused and I just don’t understand why you don’t get it: that this is awful—being someone who you can see every imperfection of. Being someone that you could never run away from.

I didn’t want to play her as this femme fatale—she was a genuine evangelical with a real religious belief in the Reformation … Anne really influenced the world, behind closed doors but she’s given no explicit credit because she wasn’t protected.Let’s not forget, too, that history was written by men. And even now, in our post-feminist era we still have women struggle in public positions of power.

Teachers are often unaware of the gender distribution of talk in their classrooms. They usually consider that they give equal amounts of attention to girls and boys, and it is only when they make a tape recording that they realize that boys are dominating the interactions. Dale Spender, an Australian feminist who has been a strong advocate of female rights in this area, noted that teachers who tried to restore the balance by deliberately ‘favouring’ the girls were astounded to find that despite their efforts they continued to devote more time to the boys in their classrooms. Another study reported that a male science teacher who managed to create an atmosphere in which girls and boys contributed more equally to discussion felt that he was devoting 90 per cent of his attention to the girls. And so did his male pupils. They complained vociferously that the girls were getting too much talking time.

In other public contexts, too, such as seminars and debates, when women and men are deliberately given an equal amount of the highly valued talking time, there is often a perception that they are getting more than their fair share. Dale Spender explains this as follows:

“The talkativeness of women has been gauged in comparison not with men but with silence. Women have not been judged on the grounds of whether they talk more than men, but of whether they talk more than silent women.”

In other words, if women talk at all, this may be perceived as ‘too much’ by men who expect them to provide a silent, decorative background in many social contexts.

PBS: Language as Prejudice - Myth #6: Women Talk Too Much (via misandry-mermaid)

On the hunger »

dearcoquette:

Have you ever lost the hunger? You seem like someone who consumes everything and delights in it all. But have you ever lost it, for even a period of time? If so, how did you get it back? Is the hunger of discovery and experience something that can be taught or practiced without being born with…

“I used to think that I could never lose anyone if I photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much I’ve lost”

– Nan Goldin (via artdiscover)

On being easy »

dearcoquette:

Some advice: if you fuck on the first-date, he probably won’t come back for a second. If the sex was hot and he does come back enjoy becoming fuck-buddies, because by fucking on the first-date, you’ve essentially told him by your actions: “I’m easy and definitely not the type of girl you’ll be…

sitting in genesis
yeezy on repeat

hands on my thigh
fingertips around my neck

forehead kisses

laughter inbetween lip touches

you set my body electric

i miss us like this
at our most simplistic